Without words

So I was staring at that screen, but i couldn’t write. And all these great ideas i had in my mind the last days -gone.
I thought about setting this up for a bit of time. I was wondering what i would write about. Would anyone be interested in what i write ?
I think I am quite self conscious. Whenever I see someone else, I automatically compare myself to them. And it always ends with me thinking about how they’re better at this thing than I am. How they are better than I am. Better than myself.
And sometimes I talk to people about myself, about my past and my future. And my fear of not having a future. And sometimes i make someone speechless. Without words.
I remember last year. When my mum couldn’t do a single thing against me hurting myself in every way I could. With alcohol , and cigarettes, and fire, and knives. How you could see her pride without saying a single word about my change when I was home in the Christmas holidays.
Sometimes I don’t have words. Words for what I feel. Words for what I think. Sometimes I’m filled with words, but I can’t let them flow. Because I am afraid. Afraid of what the rest will think.
I am weak. In so many ways. I sometimes grab a cigarette. Or a drink. Even if i shouldn’t. Mustn’t. And I am weak because I can’t speak. So many times. Or say what I mean to say. Admit my weaknesses.
But sometimes you don’t need a word. Sometimes all you need to make someone happy is a smile. And I smile when i think of some memories. Or about how I was so close to hurting myself again but then i met my friend and she made my sorrows dissapear. Sometimes all we need is someone to meet us in the middle of the street and take us to the pub. Or say a friendly word.
Sometimes all we need is a hug. I got a free one today. Without paying a price. Just a smile. And a thank you.
And it brigtened me up.
Take care,
Para

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