A change will do me good

There was this quote hanging in the house of a friend I visited a lot when I was younger. It was on a paper glider and back then, I did not and I could not understand what it might mean. I just accepted it the way it was in the way you simply accept some “adult things” when you’re younger because you might not be wise enough to comprehend their meaning, or you just don’t care enough about them to try and deeply think about their importance.

 “The only stable thing is movement.”

~Jean Tinguely

 

Nowadays, thinking about this quote, I realize that it means a lot to me and I feel, that this might explain the way I live my life these days. (Wow, I sound way older than 16, if i say stuff like this.. o.o).

Whenever I realize that my life slowly starts to consist of a pattern of repetitions, I start to long for change. In my own humble opinion, after a while of this kinda of life people start to get lazy and hardly ever leave their comfort zone. But life happens outside of your comfort zone!
So to not end up, being to lazy to live. I feel like my life needs to undergo a change every now and then.
To me, it doesn’t matter whether this change is only gonna be for a week or if its gonna be permanent. I seek for a change in myself as much as I seek for a change in my surroundings.
It keeps me alive.

I reinvent myself, I change my outside and my insides. All my life, my moods have been a roller coaster of ups and downs. It is a change, that I do not always welcome, but I know that whenever things are bad, it is gonna change again and everything will be alright. It feels so weird to say this, as I’m only 16 years old and what could a young person like me know about life?
Right, I don’t know a lot about life. Sometimes I pretend to, but in the end I’m helplessly lost in my life. But I never really know what to expect of my life, cause I don’t have a clue about life. The older people get the more they feel like they know what to expect cause of what they experienced before. But I feel the up and downs in my life, and they are meandering, but you don’t know when to expect them or how hard your next down is gonna be.

For other people, it’s always easier to see the significant changes I undergo. Like the way, I modify my style a lot. At the moment I’m trying to pull of some kinda grungey look, which sometimes works out quite well, but often completely fails. Before that I had a phase where I would only wear black, or the phase where my eyes were surrounded by that big black something (people started calling me panda because of my makeup!). I love to dress up, because it always gives you a chance of being someone else. I used to have a huge problem with talking to people in person. I love to chat over facebook or via SMS, but if i had to talk to someone in real life, it used to feel forced and my conversations were never really long, cause I never knew what to say.
Then a great friend of mine gave me the advise to pretend to be someone talkative, someone social. In the beginning i only did it as a kinda mind game. Thinking about what would that talkative person say in this situation? Then after a while I started to actually say those things out loud, and – it worked! After a while, it wasn’t like a “role” anymore, it was me. Pretending to be more talkative, actually helped me to be able to be the social person I am. It changed my life and made me a bit happier cause now I don’t have to be afraid that whenever I meet new people I’m just gonna be the silent one hardly anyone gets to know. In my last months in Ireland, when I started to be social, I met so many new amazing people that might have not ever noticed me if I weren’t talking to others.

The next change I will undergo is a change of my hair. Today I ordered synthetic dreads, and I am so excited! I can’t wait for the response of others to my new hairstyle and how it will change myself and my life.

If I don’t want to change myself (and don’t get me wrong, I love myself the way I am, but also the way I change and am able to get to know myself again a little bit different), I love to change my surroundings. I draw a lot in my free time, so I put up different pictures depending on how I feel or what time of the year it is. A few weeks ago I went through my stuff, and threw away a lot, I didn’t wanna cling onto anymore. If I learnt anything from travelling, then that sometimes it is important to leave stuff behind that keeps you stuck in a place. Sometimes you have to let memories go, in order to collect new ones. I threw away all the things, I connect to really bad memories,- I don’t even know why I kept them. Now I feel a lot better, cause it makes it easier to let go of something if you’re not reminded of it constantly. The change was good.

Change does free yourself. Because to change, you need to let go of the stuff that keeps you from changing, no matter if its good memories or bad ones. If something stops you from making progress in your life, it shouldn’t be in there, no matter how much you love it. We all change, and we all grow. Especially when we are younger.
I talked to some older people (well they were around 30) about life, and what they told me sounded depressing. They talked about that never ending repeating rhythm of weeks full of work, that never seem to change, that kill you from the inside, that make you dull and steal your energy to leave your comfort zone, that make you afraid to change, cause they don’t seem to ever change. I will only live this life once. I don’t want to spend my days doing the same thing over and over again until the rhythm makes me sleepy and puts me to rest. Is that a proper life? 
If you don’t even enjoy what you’re doing (have to do?) everyday?
It scars me to be honest, cause I don’t wanna end up like that, and it is easier said than done, but it can be done, so why shouldn’t i be the one to manage doing it?..
I know that I need change in my life to stay stable, to stay sane and I won’t let go of change to fit into a system. 

For me, reinventing myself and my life is one of the most important parts of my life. Life is like a meendering river, with its up and downs, but you don’t have to worry, because life will go on and there will be change.
I know, that a change will do me good. That it will stop me from breaking down again and help me get some more energy for the tasks of the upcoming days, weeks, months or years. A change will do me good.

Take care.
Para

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