One of those days

To be honest, the last couple of days were hard. I dont feel good in my skin, and I couldn’t even tell you why as I don’t even know myself why I’d feel that way. Life is good at the moment. No reason to not be happy right? And there is this lie, I keep on telling myself and my friends.

“It’s just one of those days.”

And I tell that myself a lot. On the first day, where I still believe it might be true. On the second day, when I realize it’s not just a short moodswing. And even if I’ve been like this for weeks. Breaking down, crying on the floor, all this stuff.
But hey, it’s only one of those days right? 
And if it’s not one of those days, it has to be puberty, right?
It’s just a phase (like everything else I do), right?

And I talk to my friends. In the beginning, I still tell them how I feel. But I know, people stop talking to you, if you tell them too often that you feel like you’re worth nothing, or that you’re sad for no reason, they will eventually leave you. 
Eventually, they will leave you at their front porch, crying, with fresh cuts on your arms, because they “want to party now”, and you just destroy the mood.
Eventually, it will pain them to hear of your pain, so much that they can’t stand next to you and fight with you for a while.
Eventually, it just annoys them and they don’t want to talk to you anymore. Not feeling well sometimes makes you a weirdo. A person others don’t want to be around.
But at least for me, that’s exactly what I need when I’m down, people to be around me. People to smile at me, look at me, give me a hand and help me stand up again, clean the dirt off my hands as if i never fell back down in the first place.

I started lying to those people, to not be alone when I need them and to not worry them. “It’s just one of those days, you know?”
And some days, I feel like it’s just none of their business. You know, people can get quite offensive, when they don’t know what to do.
“You have such a great life. Other people would be happy with what you got.” – But I’m no other person, I’m this weird teenage girl drowning in self-pity. And this statement actually made me think, if it would be better for me to be gone, if another person could then have the life i have now. But a friend reminded me, we all have the right to not be happy and happiness does not only depend on your lifestyle or what you own.
“I feel like you don’t even want to be happy” – Sometimes, I actually enjoy the sweet melancholia of sadness, but trust me, I hate crying on the floor of my room for no real reason, I hate looking into the mirror and just feeling like punching. I hate this.
Oh and I heard so much more stuff.. like “What’s wrong with you?” … And a lot of it hurts, even if I tell myself that people only say that cause they don’t know what else to do. But that only eases the pain a bit.

So most days, “one of those days” seems like a good thing to tell my friends and family and myself. It seems like an excusable lie. One of those little ones, that are quite harmless. But whenever I find myself on the floor crying or with my fist against the wall, I’m not sure anymore.
Sometimes it’s hard to cry for help, and I’ve seen people ignoring your need once they have better things to. Or their own problems to care about.

But I still stand here, right ? It can’t be that bad so. I will make it. I have every kind word of the people that helped me fight my demons engraved in my mind, and I won’t give up. I promised.
Maybe it’s a lie, but i feel like “one of those days” is just a more positive way to see it. Although I felt like this for the last few weeks, I think it’s just one of those days, I will be fine again tomorrow. Sometimes thinking like that actually helps me a lot. Sometimes it doesn’t do a thing.

Now I need an end, and I can’t think of one, cause I don’t even know if there will be an end to this. I can feel how I get a little bit angry at myself, so fast, that it takes a while for me to realize, what just happened.
I’m a little bit afraid of tomorrow, because it might be “one of those days”, but no matter what it will be, I will get through it.

Take Care, 
Love Para

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