An open letter to my educational system

Dear educational system,
I’m writing you this letter because I can’t sleep at night, and I can’t eat during the day.
Because all I can think of is how I am supposed to not fail the year. Because I worry that if I get a bad leaving certification, I won’t be able to build up enough for my own existence.
I feel like all I am now, is a number. I don’t even exist for you as a human. Just numbers. Just grades.
It feels like you are trying to tell me how much I am worthy, depending on how good my grades I am.
I know things have been hard for you. You underwent some changes, maybe for the better, or worse.
But here I am, trying to understand what all these numbers are supposed to mean, trying to not stop believeing in myself, trying to not give up.. – but somedays it just gets too hard.
And I worry so much, cause what if i don’t make it?
You woulnd’t mind, just someone that got lost on the way to finding who the elite is.
I am afraid, I’m not good enough. And it changed the way I look at myself. Have you ever sat somewhere and struggeled with tears, cause you did not understand a single word of what the teacher told you today?
I am afraid. I feel so small. I’m still so young. I feel like a child. But you tell me, that I have to act like an adult now.
You tell me that I have to know what I want. And who I want to be. You tell me that I’m only as good as my grades for you. You don’t see what I do outside of school. How I try to play with my little brother as much as i can, how I break down over and over again and I tell myself not to give up, because i will make it, but at the moment I’m not that sure about it anymore.
I can hardly eat anymore. In the mornings I don’t have time for it. After school, I’d rather do my homework. In the evening, I revise for tests on the next days.
I live in fear, and I don’t know who to tell.
I can’t sleep at night, but I know that if I don’t catch enough sleep I’ll just fall behind even more?

What happened to all the promises? What happened to teenagerhood being the best part of your life? What happened to the fun evening with friends? To having a hobby? Or anything to do beneath school?
When I was younger I was told I could be anything I wanted to be, an astronaut, a vet, and here I am, the bubble has been burst, I’m standing out there in the cold, grey reality telling me that I’ll never be good enough. Why do you do this to me? Why did you lie ? I gave up on my dreams. I’m trying to be “realistic”, as you told me.
“Realistically”, having a job, I don’t like cause I can’t do what inspires me, and just going from day to day in life, surviving more than living, doesn’t seem as good as you’re trying to make it look. I lost my thrive. Cause what am I thriving for ? More than 40 hours of work each week? Slowly loosing all of my creativity and spirit, and just giving up on life, doing what “I am supposed to” ?

Dear educational system,
You might not understand, cause whoever made this decision probably never had to go to school like I do, but no matter how much I try to be friends with you, I feel like you will be the death of me. You scare me. You make me feel like nothing.

You bully me way worse than all those kids when I was younger.
You cut me way deeper than the blades I hide in my pockets.
I lost faith in myself, the moment I was told what I have to achieve “to be someone”.

Educational system,
I tried. I try not to give up. I try not to give in.
Can you try and have faith in me?

In tears,
Para

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