Thoughts…

I’m close to 17 years now.
And regularly, I cry myself to sleep, because the blood splattered pictures, that keep me awake, don’t ever go away.
I wonder, if this will ever end. If there’s “hope” or if I’ll still be struggling with living when I’m 30,40,50,60,.. until I’m dead?
Is there a minimum requirement of years of depression you have to have until it’s legimate to wish for your life to end? Or is it ok, that some days existing seems to be one of the hardest tasks ever?
Why can I not talk openly about this to my family? Or to most of my friends?
Am i really afraid that they wont be able to accept it, or can I just not accept it myself…
I don’t think life owes me happiness, and I’m a quite lively person, although I feel dead inside some days.
I refuse to give up right now. Although I’m scarred and scared. But if I stop now, how will I ever know what life awaits for me?
And through depression, I met some of my greatest friends, because I know that they will be there, and they won’t leave me, and just love me the way I am.
I don’t want to say that it’s been good, but I feel like some times it opened up my eyes.
About how hard life can be for every single one of us, no matter how easy it may look.
But remember, life is tough, but so are you.
I learnt that everyone struggles with themselves and that sometimes one of the biggest gifts we can make a person is to simply accept them the way they are.
I learnt that sometimes, to get better you first have to loose it all. My mum calls me a phoenix because of that. Because I start to burn until theres only ashes on the ground left, but i rise again from those ashes prettier that I’ve ever been before.
I learnt that to help a person you should try not to judge them. I struggled a lot with my self when it came to the whole self harm part, and other people telling me that I was doing bs and that I should be ashamed of myself, didn’t exactly make it better, you know ?
Sometimes it helps people a lot more, if you just give them a long hug and the time to talk themselves out, and the promise to be there. If you scream at me, no matter how much you care for me, I won’t be able to see it as caring.
And hugs, hugs are always good. We dont hug each other often enough!

I’m back to doing voluntary work, I didn’t feel like going out for a while, but that gives me a better reason to go out than alcohol or seeing people ever did.
No matter what youre going through right now, always remember you are stronger than you believe yourself to be. There are people that care about you, and there are ones that don’t. But believe me by time you’ll find out who’s worth caring about and who’s not.

Take care,
Para

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