6 Steps to loosing your wallet twice

Step 1 Go out and get drunk!
It’s a fine day. And this is a fine festival. Go on, drink a little more. When your mother tries to take your drunk ass home, insist that you are fine. Simoultaneously cry because you think your little brother has been kidnapped, cause he hasnt answered your last 20 calls.

Step 2 Rise and Shine!
Where the hell are we? Oh you don’t know either. Realise you are wearing a jacket that doesn’t belong to you. Realise you are in a tent that is definitely not yours. Realise that you have never seen the boy next to you. Oh, and realise that your bag is gone. (Luckily you definitely have the wrong priorities in your life and must have clung onto your phone throughout the whole night!)

Step 3 Clean up the mess you made.
First of all go get a day’s rest. Sleep on your mama’s couch until the urge to throw up faded a little. Put cream over the huge amount of scars on your legs and ass and arms. Sleep a little more. Cry. Let one of your friends ask you if you feel raped. Cry again. Make a list of things you need to do. Go to the police. Lie when they ask you wether you have blocked your cards yet. Feel like a failure and cry. Actually block your cards. Try and get a new ID and fail. Let your mum call the same people for you and get a new temporary ID. Make a list of everything that is lost. Retrieve everything – except for your memory. Get a new wallet and finally forget. Let go. Life goes on.

Step 4 Leave the country.
You love travelling, but what you love more is living abroad. Do a year of voluntary work in India. Get sick. Get slowly used to everything. Learn to cross roads. Feel safe.
Then go to an ATM and get all the money you have for this month – because taking money out of the account costs every time. Go grocery shopping. Buy some bread. Have what feels like 20 bags in your hand and no time at all and quickly stuff your wallet somewhere. Get into one riksha. Then decide to take another. Drive back home.

Step 5 Realisation.
While your friend is paying the driver, look through your bag. Look through your bag again. Get out. Do not cry! You’re a big girl now. Empty your bag onto the street – no wallet. Curse. Ask someone to drive back to town with you. Ask for help in the bakery. Have someone tell you to just give up and save energy. Be mad at him and yet silently agree.

Step 6 Getting your shit together.
Call your mother. Cry. Tell her you’re a failure. Let her calm you down. Make a list. Remember what was in the wallet – luckily not a lot; you only retrieved the important stuff the last time. Cry again. Calm. Call your bank and block the cards. You got a routine by now.  Google what to do about your ID and decide to write an email to the embassy. Have grown man worry because you cried. Eat dinner. Know you’re not alone. Sleep. Tomorrow is another day.